The World's Funniest Salesman

Check this guy out

I love this kid, hope he makes it.

My Tram Experience (not mine, someone else's)

Everyone else is doing it, why not me as well...

This is going to sound perverse, but I was quite heartened by the clip. Yes, ignorant know-nothing, probably had no school or discipline her whole life, mouthing off while other civilised people around her try to talk some sense. She just came off sounding like a head case, which is what all racists are when you think about it. That attituide was felt by 99% of the population 50 years ago, now' it's 1%, if that. 

And yes, it's that poor baby of hers I feel sorry for too.

No need to name and shame her, I suspect she's in a bad enough place as it is.  Besides, this clip will do all the work for us. 

Update - The Daily Mash have reported on it, so now the satirical correspondance is closed.

And there's a still a week left...

The rule number one of any blog is to update frequently.

The raison d’être, the key purpose, the mission statement of mine was to follow through previous lacklustre efforts.

I have failed.

Allow me to protest.

A new boiler has been put in, which broke a radiator.  In the bedroom.  Which won’t be replaced for two weeks.

Agh, said the wife.

A new TV has been bought, and now we have TiVo downstairs and the old cable box upstairs in the bedroom.

So we are cold at night, but at least we have TV.

Then we’ve been going through IVF, and are a week away from a pregnancy test.  Keep your fingers crossed.

I dropped out of the play I was going to be in, knowing I couldn’t give it my all.

And a couple of days ago, a month away from New York, and the day before the ATP Tennis Finals at the O2 (I’m not in it, just watching) my car has decided to break.

A few hundred pounds later, I might be able to get it back later today.

It’s been a long month...

A quick review of the Twilight films from someone who has never seen them...

Twilight - If a boy ignores you, and is rude to you, that means he likes you more than anything.

Twilight: New Moon - If this same boy causes, by his actions or inactions, you to end up physically injured requiring a trip to the hospital, it is your responsibility to cover for him, including lying to the authorities.

Twilight: Eclipse - if a different boy, who has the capability to rip out your throat, tells you he loves you but you tell him no, on six separate occasions, eventually you will give in and say yes.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 - Sex will kill you.  One time, any time.  Abortion is not an option, you must suffer always and give your own life regardless.

How far was I off?

Breaking down the decades...

Your early years and teens are spent trying to find out who you are

Your 20s are spent trying to develop a system to navigate the big bad world

Your 30s are spent finding the limits of that system, and re-negotiating…

Your 40s – I’ll let you know…

Musings on a Best Man...

I am Stan Smith.

My wife always jokes that of all the TV fictional characters, I am the most like him.

So I guess she isn’t joking, more like making an observation.

Stan Smith, for those of you unaware, is the patriarch of the Smith family in the animated series American Dad.  See by many as the unloved bastard child of the Seth “Family Guy” MacFarlane animation domination stable, it is in fact the very best of all.

Simpsons.  I still think it was good right the way until around the 16^th season.  Not great like the 4^th or 5^th season, but plenty funny enough.  It’s been on a slow decline since then.

Family Guy.  Take away the Stewie & Brian episodes, and you’ve got nothing.  Really.  Hoping this one gets cancelled soon.

Cleveland Show.  Was never brilliant, besides the “Superbowl Superbowl Superbowl” sketch which sticks in your head and won’t leave if you’re a fan of the NFL.  Even though it’s barely into the 3^rd season it’s looking short of ideas.  Tim The Bear still rules though.

American Dad has Roger the Alien, ultra-sarcastic multi-sexual alcoholic.  Klaus the Fish, former East German ski-jumper and latter-day piscine pervert.  Steve Smith, son and schoolboy pervert.  Hayley Smith, daughter and drug-taking pervert.  Francine Smith, wife, mother and reformed (but possibly current) pervert.

Here is my proof of the originality of the writing.

If that didn’t make you laugh, this one will.

If you still didn’t laugh, then I can’t help you.  See someone about it.

So anyway, Stan Smith is the archetype American.  Works for the CIA, an uber-patriot that keep a massive Star Spangled Banner on the front lawn.  Believes firmly in law and order, devoted Republican and particularly judgmental of others who don’t meet his defined standards.

So, nothing like me at all really.

Only, the thing is, and the reason why I love the show so much, that’s just the face they show to the world.  Each of the characters in their own way (besides all the perversion and substance abuse) are frightened and wounded creatures just looking for love and understanding.

Steve just wants to have a girlfriend to share his nerdy non-military tendencies; as does Klaus, albeit one who wants to get it on with a fish.  Hayley wants someone to understand her political leanings, as they are diametrically opposed to Stan’s.  Roger wants anyone to tolerate his wild alcoholism and tempestuous nature, by which I mean he wants someone to love him for him too.

And Stan.  He’s just wanted Francine, and she him.  While many episodes revolve around either Stan going overboard on some insignificant issue that ends up consuming him, or Francine giving in to some wild or unrealised side of her nature, they always end up confirming their commitment to one another.

Yes, exactly like The Simpsons.

But the interactions between Stan & Francine, as the serious, responsible man as seen from the outside, gives way to silly and deliberately preposterous antics when no one else is watching, is why I am Stan Smith.  Silly dances, gestures and other things no one else can see if I am ever to be taken seriously as a serious man.

And while there have been many “Stan” moments that I recognise in myself, they all pale beside the most recent episode, S07E04 - The Worst Stan, as Stan loses his last opportunity of being a best man at awedding.

Something that cannot be allowed to pass, so as he is cradled baby-like by Francine he devises a hare-brained scheme to get Principal Brian Lewis (the greatest recurring character on ‘Dad by far) a wife, so that he can then organise the matrimonial proceedings (with his title-carded name as best man in the biggest font)

I have never been a best man.  And it has always bothered me.  The two best chances I had were blown, when we fell out in a pretty permanent fashion, over the women they ended up marrying.

And once you’re over 30, most of your long-standing friends are either married, and the more recently acquired friends will have friendships far longer lasting than yours.

I’d make a killer best man speech too.  Always bothers me watching people reading their speeches (READING??? Learn it for god’s sake, you only have to do it once) stuttering and stumbling over their lines.

So, any takers?  I’d work almost free of charge.  Maybe a hare-brained scheme to get a man I barely know hitched will pan out.  Works on TV.

Two shows have fallen, with two more to go

Well, I did it.  South Park & The Office, watched every week since both aired, going back a decade, was not watched this week.

The Simpsons & The Cleveland Show, will not be watched in the coming week.

Progress.

A badly written rant on the misuse of language

I read today that for the 2012 Presidential Campaign the US President is hosting $38,000 a plate fundraisers for his Wall Streetcontributors.

Apparently Barack Obama will raise somewhere in the region of $1 Billion for the election.

In 2004, “Evil” George W. Bush hosted $2000 a plate fundraisers.  That’s an increase of 19 to 1 in two election cycles.

Obama ran a campaign of “hope and change”.  In 2012 he will do much the same thing.

So where does the money come from?  What does it buy?

You know the answer.  Rich backers, and access.  Eventually, Government policy.

But it isn’t called bribery, oh no no.  Not corruption, goodness me no.  That happens in Zimbabwe and Pakistan, and those other ignorant backwaters.

This is called campaign finance.

In the UK, all the big supermarkets, pharmaceuticals and big business sponsor each annual political party conference; setting up workshops and such, advising how private finance can consult with (and profit from) public sector budget-holders.

Not corruption.  Consultation.

Just recently, “the markets” freaked out when the Greek president threatened a referendum to decide the outcome of the bailout.  To let the population decide whether these horrendous sacrifices demanded should be made in return for some money they’ll immediately hand back to the banks in the form of debt reduction.

Within days the president had gone.  No elections, a government of national unity will be raised instead and the crippling pay cuts and firesale selling of state assets will be rammed through against the wishes of 99% of the Greek people.

They call it “austerity”.  And something about democracy.  I forget.

But austerity sounds so much better doesn’t it?  We all have a rigid, fixed understanding of “austerity” in our heads, even running completely contrary to the original intent and usage.

Cuts to public services, children’s start-up programmes, street lighting, border controls.  Cuts everywhere you look.  That’s austerity.

Creating money out of thin air to buy up debt in a massive paper exercise that affects no one except the money man who make a living trading imaginary currency?  That’s called Quantitative Easing, or QE for short.

“Another £75 Billion of QE” they say.  No problem.  It’s all made-up anyways.

Cutting Billions from life-improving, taxpayer funded services in the name of satisfying the market wolves baying for blood?  That’s called Deficit Reduction.  Who can be against Deficit Reduction?  Only commies and students, I’ll bet.

Reducing over-time for Firemen, and Firewomen, the bravest people in the land, giving less job security, pensions and take-home pay?  That’s called “modernisation of working practices”.  Who can be against that?  Commies?  Yeah, probably.

Making it easier to fire staff, pregnant women, reduce maternity leave and pay, increasing contracted staff over permanent.  They call that “increasing flexibility in the labour market”.  Who wouldn’t want to be flexible?  It’s so...flexible.

Allowing millionaires to avoid tax, offshore tax havens, creating tens (maybe hundreds) of Billions of lost tax revenue, accounting for the entirety of our budget deficit.  That’s “maintaining a competitive tax environment”.  To argue against competition is to argue against reason, surely?

Language is being narrowed down, the vocabulary of public discourse reduced as meanings set in quick drying cement.

Democracy, Freedom, Tyranny, Terrorists, Free-markets, Defence, Spending (bad), Austerity (more austerity, more!) Economy, and my favourite, Elections.  All with manifest meanings, all generally understood, and used completely the opposite in practice.

Defence means selling weapons to further war.  Democracy means do what we say.  Tyranny is people we don’t like.  Freedom is people we do.  Free markets mean giving up your corner stores so a single supermarket can make you go there instead.  Elections give you the chance every four years to decide the face of your overlord, but not the policy.  The economy is whatever we say is good for your financial health.

Those protestors at St Paul’s, and the 24-hour news hounds that want bite-size digestible talking points from them, have both missed the point.

The economy, is working fine.  Really.  It is.  You might be watching apocalyptic scenarios play out on the news but actually it’s going great.

If you’re in the 1%.

If you’re not, and not hanging around at the margins trying to get a look-in, ah yes well you see, not so good.

The fallacy is that on some kind of level, we still believe that while these thieves are enriching themselves, receiving bailouts and bonuses while the rest of us slog through permanent “austerity”, it is the result of an accident.  As if the perfect economic system to benefit us all is temporarily spinning off its axis and just needs a few corrections.

It is not.  It’s working just fine.  It’s merely the natural consequence of what the 18^th century economist Adam Smith called “the vile maxim of the masters of mankind": “All for ourselves, and nothing for other People”.  (Thank you Noam Chomsky, I'm quoting your Adam Smith quote.  Saved me having to read The Wealth Of Nations)

And they’re using language to control how we view the situation, and think.

While George Orwell may have missed the mark in some elements of 1984 (to which we must give him a break, as he had no way of knowing decades later how Soviet-style totalitarianism would play out, much less the more subtle propaganda elements and entertainment)  when it came to Newspeak and social class, he was bang on.

A limited, thin dictionary will defined words defining thought, most importantly preventing rebellion.  85% of the population left to their squalor and pig-ignorance, while a small minority of outer party members work to further the interests of the 1% inner party.  Perfect.

Progress on telly

Simpsons aside (force of habit) I will not be watching South Park or The Office this week.  Breaking a run stretching back almost 8 years.

Sheesh, you write it like that you realise how locked in I am to my patterns.

Family Guy & American Dad are reprieved.  For the moment.

And then there was TV...

Here’s an idea for something to give up.  My perfectionist obsession with certain TV shows.  Specifically, my need to watch each and every episode of every show, ever, until the end of its run.  Here are the shows that I can claim 100% attendance.

The Simpsons

The Cleveland Show

Family Guy

American Dad

South Park

The Office

Wilfred

Louie

Lost

With the exception of American Dad (the greatest of all animations, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, with the obvious exception of golden-age Simpsons) I’ve grown bored and tired of them.  Watching them is now a duty, and a chore, for the most part.

They’re not terrible, well apart from recent Family Guy episodes, but all of them are past their best.  A better man than me would have given in years ago.

But I feel I have to see them all to the end.

Writing this out loud makes me realise how silly it is.  Stop a TV show if you don’t find it funny or entertaining any more.  It’s not loyalty to a family member, or a church.  No one is harmed, only yourself in the ever decreasing amount of enjoyment you gain from it.

That’s why I stopped drinking.

I am not a prisoner of my character.  I can change.

The next one to fall...

Did I mention I was giving up caffeine?  Kind of.

I mean, kind of giving up caffeine, not whether I kind of told you.

Who am I talking to anyway?

Well, my wife, for one.  She doesn’t remember me telling her I was finishing my supply of regular coffee, and switching to de-caf.

But she doesn’t read this, so I'm talking to no one, until the blog goes viral.

Which it won’t, because I never follow through on things.  Unless this blog really does break my lifetime habit.

So anyway, caffeine.

Not the biggest withdrawal.  For the past year or so I’ve slowly been cutting down the coffee, from 5 cups a day down to a single in the mornings.  Replaced it with tea.

So not completely caffeine free, but I’ve given up something else.  Each step I take, my head seems to get a little clearer.

Now I have no excuse for not sleeping.